He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
