So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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