mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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