girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
