I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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