Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
