Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
