you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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