i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
