I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
