While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Randomize
