last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
