I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
