I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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