I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
