Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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