i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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