I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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