yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
