They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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