Capitaan dildo arrescate!
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
