I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I don't deserve a penis
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I just gargled with NyQuil
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
