I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
