god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
