I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
My penis needs a shock collar
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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