At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
