No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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