I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
