dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
