Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
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