Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
