perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
