awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
