First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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