The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Randomize
