I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
