first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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