theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
