OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
