Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Drunk is a universal language darling
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
