He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
