that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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