My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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