you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
