Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
