I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
a search helicopter?!
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
