you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
