sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
