Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
