we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
