just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
